My Cursed Paradise
by Red Warrior
Summary: A Guardian's thoughts about Haven...


Disclaimer : Who's speaking ? You should be able to find out ! Beside, the wonderful song is – sadly – not mine, neither are the lyrics.

_Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway  
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way  
Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing  
It brings me down, but I won't let them_

If I seem bleak  
Well you'd be correct  
And if I don't speak  
It's cause I can't disconnect  
But I won't be burned by the reflection  
Of the fire in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway  
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away  
There's more to living than only surviving  
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me  
I don't think that you relate  
My will is something  
That you can't confiscate  
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated  
By destruction in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun

"**Staring in the sun_", by _The Offspring**

**My Cursed Paradise**

Haven. What would this word mean to you ?

I don't know, I'm not you. But I can guess it, though. For you, Haven is a big place with hills and meadows, endless days spent bathed in warm sunlight, doing nothing and living day by day a virtual, but happy life.

In Haven, for you, there is a peaceful silence. So peaceful, you close your eyes and, soothed by the warm sunlight that never seems to dim, you fall asleep, comfortably nestled on a soft cloud-like ground. If you sigh, it's in contentment. If you cry, it's because of joy. You can't help it ; after all, you're happy, aren't you ?

In Haven, for you, there are angels everywhere. Boys, girls, mostly children, that tend to you, care about you, with all the love they have. A love so great you can't help but smile back at them. You laugh as you're running in the open fields, and they laugh too. They're happy, you're happy, everything is fine and you have nothing to worry about.

For you, Haven means paradise.

For you, that's what Haven is truly about.

My Haven is not like that…

In my Haven, there's no hill, no field, no river. Sunlight doesn't even exist, almost forgotten. It can't shine through : my Haven is made of steel. Ground, walls, ceiling… Steel everywhere I look. Cold, hard steel that reflects the darkness of my heart.

My Haven is underground ; pretty ironic, isn't it ? You could say it's closer to Hell than it looks. I may not be an idiot, but I can't tell you if we're in the middle of the day or the night without looking at the clock. I don't know if it's rainy or sunny ; the weather was forgotten a long time ago.

I talked about virtual life, didn't I ? Well, in my Haven, life isn't virtual, but looks like it is. Whereas you are a god in your Haven, I'm a ghost in mine. Life is… dull. Days turn into months, months turn into years. They look alike, I feel like I'm making the same movements, I'm doing the same things day by day.

In my Haven, there's a silence too, but in no way it is peaceful. It's low and dangerous, like a snake ready to bite. Nothing ever seems to budge. Soft beeping noises are heard sometimes, as well as whizzing sounds. But I don't care. Not anymore…

In my Haven, I erased some words from my vocabulary. Words like 'happy', 'fun' and 'joy'. My sighs are ones of sadness, of guilt. And if I happen to cry, it's mostly caused by desperation. Held in this place, my past is one of the darkest : I betrayed my wife ; she left me for another. I abandoned my own son ; I left him alone to fend for himself. All of that, because of my family.

Family…

Such a strong word, for such a big mistake. When I was a child, I admired my father. He and my others ancestors were the strongest, the bravest. I once wanted to be just like them, and so I tried my best everyday to make them proud. Children are so gullible… And it's because of this that I am stuck in this 'Haven' now. Because I'm gullible, because I'm spineless.

Because I'm a Guardian.

My ancestors… others Guardians. They're in here too. But unlike me, they aren't 'stuck'. They're living here, willingly, while the only thing I want to do is run away. They're different, so different I feel like I don't belong here. So different that, when I'm among them, that's when I feel the most alone.

In my Haven I'm stuck forever. No matter how hard I try, I can't get away. There's no way out ; I was born here, I live here, and someday I'll die here. In this place I lived through the best and worst of times. It witnessed my childhood joy and my adult desperation. It's always there, remembering me of who I was, of what I am. Always in my mind, mocking me, defying me.

My Haven. My cursed paradise.


End file.
